One Equal Temper Chapter Three

disclaimer: Sue away! I’m a grad student in medieval history, just how much do you think you’ll get?

A/N Sorry for the delay. I’ve been super busy. Indeed, I should be working right now. On that note, this chapter isn’t that great, but I needed a bit of cathartic writing time anyway. I apologize in advamce. I know Book’s secret isn’t all that inventive, but I can’t think of anything else. And sorry for the pop-philosophy, but hey, if you can sit through the Matrix Reloaded, you can damn well put up with this.

River’s allusions: The alphabet is from the ‘Jump off the Cliff Notes’ for The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorn. Also quoted are Emily Dickinson, Dylan Thomas, and Tori Amos. For the Hitler/Hohenstaufen remark, see the debate around E. Kantorowitz’s biography of Fredrick II, written in Germany in the 1930s. For Thoreau, see his remarks “On Civil Disobedience.’ Also a line from The Usual Suspects.

To Strive

Book’s revelation dealt the final, crushing blow. My whole world came crashing down around me. In the span of twenty-four hours, I have learned that everything and everyone I thought I knew are not what they appear. My own people sent me on a suicide mission in search, (in search gorram it) of Reavers, I was saved by, of all people, a browncoat, and now...

What is left? The fundamental order out of which I made sense of life is gone. Nothing remains but a vacuum, a void full of chaos. What is a life without order? I am lost. For the moment I am alone with my thoughts, the sterile infirmary empty of all life except the crazy girl, the one the Alliance messed with. And her presence is almost comforting. Distracted beyond recall, she rocks in a corner, reciting the alphabet with a nemonic only she understands. ‘A is for Hester the horrible whore,’ she mumbles, ‘B is the baby she got the A for.’

The ‘verse, in all of its immense and frightening disorder seems far away from this clean, quiet space. I wish that I could remain like this forever. I can make sense of this room, of its order. It is what it appears, and there is a calming rightness to that.

‘E is the evil the townspeople all see. F is for fucking, I think we agree,’ the girl continued.

At length, hunger stirs me from my reverie, and I realize that eventually, I will have to brave a journey outside of this room. Slowly lowering myself from my perch on the elevated medical table, I gingerly hobble towards the door, and the world beyond it. This firefly is small, and the galley easily found. As I enter into the dining area, a distinctive ‘click’ freezes me in my tracks. I turn slowly, instinctively keeping my hands clearly visible, towards the sound, and find myself facing captain Reynolds, pointing a cocked pistol in my direction.

‘There a reason you’re wandering about my ship unattended, sergeant?’ he asks, tight lipped. Damn independents, most paranoid bunch of... well, after the day I’ve had, I guess I can understand why.

‘Don’t worry, Captain,’ I carefully reply, ‘I’m too damn tired to sabotage your ship. And too damn hungry, which is why I’m here.’

Eying me appraisingly, the captain lowers his weapon, and grabs two protein bars from a shelf to his left. He hands one to me, unwraps the other, and sits down, gesturing to the chair across from his. Taking the chair, I unwrap my own bar only to be overcome by a wave of nausea. It occurs to me that I have not eaten in quite a while. Knowing, however, that I must eat something eventually, I force myself to take slow, small bites off the bar.

‘I’m thinkin’ maybe we should have a little chat,’ the captain offers. ‘I’m feeling a bit like I don’t know what's about on my ship after Book’s little tell-all confession this morning.

***

Book glanced down uneasily, for once failed by the composure of his faith. ‘Preacher?’ Malcolm Reynolds asked, ‘You care to tell me why the special ops alliance officer I just dragged off a ship full of Reaver leftovers is under the impression that you might know what’s going on with little miss crazy over here?’

‘much madness is divinest sense,’ River interjected indignantly.

‘Or its just gorram loony,’ Jayne grumbled from the corner.

‘My own self, I’d like to keep focused on the Shepherd here.’ Mal interrupted, refocusing attention on a very uncomfortable Book.

The entire crew was gathered in the infirmary. They had been awakened by Simon’s attack on the newly rescued alliance officer, and now stood sleepily in the doorway, trying desperately to understand what was going on.

‘Ah, yes,’ Book looked up. ‘This is rather awkward. As far as this young woman is concerned, I am the, ah, deputy chief of Alliance military research and development. She recieves many of her directives from my office’

At this statement, three guns were cocked, and aimed at the Preacher’s head. He did not flinch. Zoe and Jayne kept their sights trained on Book, but Mal lowered his pistol and resumed questioning, sure that his first mate and the mercenary could handle any unpleasantness that might arise.

‘So you’re not really a shepherd?’ he asked.

‘Actually, I am a man of G-d. Always have been. The alliance thought it would be politic to involve the clergy in military affairs, to maintain a sense of moral rectitude.’

Simon let out a snort of jaded disbelief.

‘But I’m not actually an Alliance operative,’ Book quickly asserted. ‘Actually, I’m what they used to call a double agent. My order maintains an active intelligence gathering network, as we have, shall we say, a vested interest in the political climate of the known universe. The head of my order requested that I take the R and D position, which would provide us with intimate access to several high level alliance projects, including the one in which River was involved.’

‘You knew.’ Simon started forward, but was restrained by Kaylee. ‘You son of a bitch, you knew what they were doing to her. You didn’t stop it. You didn’t... You let them do this to my baby sister. You could have stopped it. You could have stopped it. My G-d, you knew...’

‘What could I have done, boy? It would have been no use. The best I could do was collect information, in the hope that it could be used later. Believe me, son, I wanted to do something. But it was better to wait, when I might have a chance at actually helping.’

‘You should have tried,’ Simon sobbed uncontrollable, collapsing into Kaylee’s arms. ‘You could have tried. You knew. You should have tried.’

‘Perhaps I should, son. Believe me, I wanted to, and when you kidnapped your sister, I thought it might be my chance. I told the Alliance that my spiritual duties called, took a leave of absence, and followed you. I thought I could protect you, and the girl, thought maybe if she could get out, it would show a way to get them all out. To end the program once and for all.’

Wash raised his hand. ‘I’m still confused about the whole religious people can be fighty-military-type people thing.’

‘So we go from year to year with secrets we’ve been keeping,’ River offered, ‘though you say you’re not a Templar man.’

‘What?’ Kaylee asked.

‘River is right, for what its worth,’ Inara answered. ‘The knights Templar were an order of fighting clerics, and the concept of the warrior monk is not unknown to Buddhist practice.’

‘They teach you that in whore school?’ Mal couldn’t resist a gibe at the companion. Inara, however, refused to dignify the question with a response, staring coldly back at him.

Her gun still aimed at the center of his forehead, Zoe asked the preacher her own question. ‘So, what exactly was this program River was in, Shepherd?’

Book sighed. ‘Pretty much what you all have guessed at this point. It was an attempt to enhance her reading abilities, and, ah, direct them towards martial targets.’

‘superhuman fighting machines’ Jayne muttered.

‘The force that drives the water through the rocks drives my red blood,’ River whispered desperately, apologetically.

‘Ok, that’s all I can take for now,’ The captain sighed. ‘I need some thinkin’ time. ‘For now, Book, you’re restricted to quarters, which are to be locked from the outside.’ Everyone else, go do whatever it is you do. Kaylee, fix the ship,’

‘But she ain’t broke, cap’n.’

‘Fix her anyway. Jayne, go shine a gun. Wash, steer. Simon, do doctor stuff. Inara. Um, screw someone. Zoe, you keep an eye on Book. You,’ he added, staring at the alliance officer who had started this mess, ‘you... what’s your name, anyway?’

‘Sergeant Anne Miambe, serial number 0400391. Sir.’

‘Well, Sergeant Miambe, you don’t do a gorram thing.’

‘Cap’n,’ Kaylee shyly asked, ‘What are you gonna do?’

‘Think.’

***

The captain wastes no time in getting to his point. As we sit across from each other in the galley, ignoring our protein bars, he asks, ‘why were you looking for Reavers out there, Sergeant?’

I sigh, and hesitate. Even now, knowing that a man from whom I had taken orders was a spy, that my own government could turn little girls into killers, could send me into the jaws of death, I was reluctant to betray the Alliance. But the weary chaos overcomes my doubts, and I relent. ‘I’m not sure,’ I reply honestly. ‘The don’t tell me why, just what. But I heard things, rumors. They had to do with whatever it was they were doing to those readers. Those kids. They wanted to know what made Reavers tick. Why they felt no remorse, how they could kill so ruthlessly, without attachment. Looking for a way to duplicate that artificially.’

‘Gorram alliance. How in the seven hells could you be a part of a thing like that?’

‘Why did I join the alliance? It wasn’t always like this. It may surprise you, Captain Reynolds, to learn that I am not from the core. I was born on Chaos, a dirty little planet that lived up to its name.’ I finger my protein bar idly. ‘To them, independence meant lawlessness. The freedom to be cruel. I thought there should be some things a man is not free to do. There should be some order, some recourse, some central authority. Someone to say that slavery is not okay, that girls should be educated as well as boys. A system to air grievances and work out disputes. We are united by our humanity, Captain Reynolds, and that only makes sense to me if that bond can be articulated and harnessed. A ship cannot run without a captain, Malcolm Reynolds, why should the ‘verse? I thought that the Alliance could bring that unity, that common sense of purpose. I needed to believe that there was more than each man’s will. Or each woman’s, or each planet’s. I was willing to overlook the Alliance’s imperfections. I was sure that they would be overcome in time, that they could not survive so great an undertaking.’

‘But’ River chimes in, though I had not noticed her entering the room, ‘Hitler was not a Hohenstaufen.’

I smile wryly and respond, ‘I think I would like you better if you knew a little less military history. I was wrong, but now it is too late to turn back. I am invested, I have chosen sides. But my side has abandoned me as well. The man who gave me orders was an independence spy. The Alliance wants not to unify humanity, but to control it. All of my order is gone. What is a life without order?’

‘Order a new order,’ River suggests. ‘Maybe Thoreau was more than a dirty old man who didn’t want to pay his taxes.’

‘Ignoring the waif at his side,Captain Reynolds continues, ‘I don’t get you, Sergeant. Don’t see what’s worth abandoning your freedom, ever. Don’t see how anyone could give that up without a fight.’

‘Haven’t you ever believed in something, captain? Something worth more than life? I may have been wrong, but at least I tried.’

‘Freedom. Independence. Cost a lot of life during the war, so don’t you lecture me.’

‘Your independence, or everyone’s? Don’t see you running off to free those kids the feds are messing with. Guess other people’s freedoms don’t mean all that much to you, then. That isn’t an ideal, captain. Its self preservation.’

‘We lost the war, sergeant. If we had won, those kids wouldn’t be locked up in some lab by some seriously creepy creeps with egos the size of the galaxy, would they? But we didn’t win. So don’t be tellen me what I do and do not believe.’

For several moments we sit in an uneasy silence, fueled by anger and the lingering resentments of a war that refuses to die.

Still staring at my protein bar, I whisper, ‘we should go get those kids.’ It is a revelation to me, even as the words escape my mouth. I am almost as surprised as captain Reynolds to hear the sound of my voice.

‘What?’

‘We should go get those kids. I was right, Malcolm Reynolds. We have something in common, as human beings, something we share, and that deserves protection, from all comers. Shouldn’t be taken away by too much law any more than by too little.’

I am strengthened by the very idea. I need this, need to replace the hole, the vacuum left by the last few days. And across the table, I can see something begin to show in Malcolm Reynolds' eyes. Something that had been missing before, though I could not have told you why. ‘We should go get those kids,’ he grinned. ‘We’re gonna need the crew. Even Book. I just hope he doesn’t have any more secrets floating around.’ He grabbed the com impulsively, as though now infected with the idea he could not let it rest. ‘Everyone up to the kitchen. Now.’ He ordered. ‘Book too. Move it.’

***

‘An impossible quest against all odds?’ Wash asked. ‘Well, I’m in. Honey?’

‘If Mal says we’re doing it, we’re doing it,’ Zoe replied.

‘Aw, we don’t even know if its true. All we got is the word of an alliance bitch and a sneaky not who he says he is preacher. Its, its unsubstantiated, that’s what. Rumors,’ Jayne whined.

‘Unsubstantiated,’ Simon raised a brow, ‘That’s a big word for you, Jayne. Do you need to sit down?’

‘A rumor’s not a rumor that doesn’t die.’

‘Yes sweetheart,’ Simon told his sister with a pained and studied calm. Looking up at the crew he added, ‘You know I’m in. Anything to stop this.’

‘Me too,’ Kaylee chimed in.

Book gave a curt nod.

‘Why are you doing this, Mal,’ Inara queried, her brow slightly furrowed. ‘You could potentially get everyone killed. This is above your normal range of activities. Why risk so much?’

‘Because maybe its time to get back something I lost in Serenity Valley. Can’t explain it better than that.’

After a studied, searching glance at the captain, Inara finally nodded. ‘I’ll do what I can.’

‘Well, if eveyone else is goin’ I guess I ain’t got much choice,’ Jayne conceded.

‘Great,’ Mal responded, clapping his hand together, ‘lets go steal us some geniuses.’