I finally snapped, about time too by TheReaver

TALK STORY

I finally snapped, about time too

POSTED BY: THEREAVER
UPDATED: Thursday, March 16, 2006 18:41
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VIEWED: 5517
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Friday, March 10, 2006 2:36 PM

Today, everything that has happened over the past few months caught up with me and I snapped. But this story starts last October.

October 8th 2005, life was good. I’d recently quit smoking and I felt great about myself. I just came in from seeing Serenity with my friends. Later that night, I received a phone call telling me that my girlfriend of 15 months was dead. She had killed herself.

Being a bipolar I am prone to depression any time but now I really was depressed like I’d never been before. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping. I stopped caring about school and my grades started falling rapidly. This is not good in GCSE year.

A few weeks later and I started counselling. This returned to okay. Not quite as it had been before but okay. I did suffer from mild stress having to catch up with all my coursework and stuff. Then things started becoming problematic.

When the youngest children in my school move up a year they start getting cocky and thinking they own the place. They start annoying the older people. At first it was 2 or 3 and I wrote it off as a minor annoyance. It soon escalated to 20-30. It’s really not fun having pieces of wood thrown at you. So I went to see a teacher. Nothing was done. I went to see several more teachers. Nothing was done. I went to see the head of discipline. Nothing was done. Eventually, I took the matter to the head master. Nothing was done.

I’ve been putting up with this shit for ages now, keeping all my rage bottled up, never bothering to release it. Today, I paid the price. We have these sweet things (dolly beads) and they are ring sweets on a piece of elastic. Kids bite them in half and flick the other half. A bit of fun. Unfortunately for one kid, the sweet went in my eye. All that bottled up rage came out and I grabbed the kid around the throat and started shouting at him. Then something unprecedented happened. Through his gasping I made out “well at least I don’t have a dead girlfriend”. I grabbed his throat harder and he started to turn a strange bluish colour. His sister noticed and her and a few of her friends pulled me away before the kid was dead. It was lucky, because if they hadn’t there was no way I was letting go, that’s how bad this anger was.

Anyway, nothing’s been done about it because the head of discipline is a pussy. So discuss how I nearly became a murderer and how it’s not a good idea to keep anger inside.

-----------------------
I'll rape you to death.
I'll eat your flesh.
I'll sew your skin into my clothes.
If you're very very lucky, I'll do it in that order - TheReaver

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Friday, March 10, 2006 2:46 PM

MATTCOZ

A man comes up against that kind of will, only way to deal with it, I suspect... is to become it. He's following the only course that's left to him. First he'll try to make himself look like one... cut on himself, desecrate his own flesh... then he'll start acting like one. - Mal Reynolds

*backs away slowly*

*runs like hell*

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Friday, March 10, 2006 3:24 PM

MATTIE

Reaver, I'm so very sorry to hear about your crappy last few months! I wish I could give you a big, big hug and tell you that it'll all be okay. You know what though, life is TOUGH! (DUH!)

I'm so glad to hear that you didn't kill that kid, though he may have deserved it. No one should ever, ever say anything like that, I don't care who ya are! I think you should find an outlet, though, so that next time it won't come to almost killing a kid. Karate? Boxing? Biking? Running? Yoga? I dunno, but something that will help you get your aggression out. I know you've probably heard that before, and I hope you don't mind hearing it again, because if you do, then maybe I'll back away and run just like the other guy.

Next time there may not be a sister and her friends to pull you off. Next time, well, let's just not think about a next time.

Wacky fun!

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Friday, March 10, 2006 3:28 PM

THEREAVER

I've found that beating my pillow into submission and screaming in an empty room helps a lot. Also, your sig in context with this thread made me laugh.

-----------------------
I'll rape you to death.
I'll eat your flesh.
I'll sew your skin into my clothes.
If you're very very lucky, I'll do it in that order - TheReaver

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Friday, March 10, 2006 3:43 PM

MATTIE

Yeah, I thought about my sig before I posted, too. It made me laugh and I wondered for a second if I should change it or not. Obviously I decided not.

Beating a pillow and screaming--that's fantastic! Yelling is something I don't do often enough--not that I'm an angry person, but sometimes it's good to raise your voice. You know what my outlet is? I go to work and try to speak Spanish and then end up lauging at myself. Oh, it makes me feel OH so much better!

Wacky fun!

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Friday, March 10, 2006 4:22 PM

GUTTERBALL

Quote:
Originally posted by TheReaver:
A few weeks later and I started counselling.

If you'll take an honest suggestion without going Reaver on my a$$, heh, you might supplement your counseling with some anger management classes. I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't have stood up for yourself (and by proxy for your late girlfriend) by any stretch. Never allow someone to stomp on you.

However, anger management isn't just for criminals and drunks. I work in a mental health outpatient facility (some might confuse the staff with the clientele, heh), and I've discovered that anger management courses actually give you strategies for REDIRECTING your anger, rather than making you swallow it. Swallowing that much rage is NEVER healthy and usually leads to a more explosive and dangerous outburst than if you'd just thrown a punch in the first place.

Ask your therapist if he/she could recommend an appropriate group and about payment options. So long as it's not court ordered, anger management shouldn't be full-fee. If you have insurance or Medicaid, you should be okay. If you have neither, most state-run outpatient facilities have a sliding scale fee schedule to offset the cost according to your income.

I hope things glide a deal easier for you in future. It's hard enough to deal with our own problems when others continually bash us over the head with theirs.

________________________________________

Please remember that the 9:30 show is completely different from the 7:30 show. Don't forget to tip your waitress.

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Friday, March 10, 2006 4:51 PM

MIKAMOM

I'm not one to suggest counseling. I've had my own crappy experiences with a school counseler and a private counseler. But this is one time when you want to talk to someone professionaly. I know we all run into assholes through out life, but it's not rage that is driving you. I think it's pain and you shouldn't have to deal with that alone. Are there family or friends of your departed girlfriend that you can share with? Man, don't I sound like an after school special? If nothing else, you can talk to me.

mikamom@gmail.com

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Friday, March 10, 2006 5:10 PM

VETERAN

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Quote:
TheReaver wrote:

So discuss how I nearly became a murderer and how it’s not a good idea to keep anger inside.

Let's see, Part 1. Judging by your screen alias and your sig, I'd say your anger and potential for violence were always there. Question is, how do you feel now? Ya sorry you did it? or kind a of proud?

Part 2: Definitely not, repression just adds stress and all the bad things that go with it.

Rather than hit people I'd hit things. After I flattened a knuckle on a wall I learned that control was important. Even controlling my anger I found that I still needed an outlet so I bought a heavy bag. Banging on it helped a lot. The other thing that helps is having someone to talk with.

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Saturday, March 11, 2006 4:00 AM

THEREAVER

Quote:
Originally posted by Veteran:

Let's see, Part 1. Judging by your screen alias and your sig, I'd say your anger and potential for violence were always there. Question is, how do you feel now? Ya sorry you did it? or kind a of proud?

I just picked the name and sig because I thought it sounded good. I'm normally calm and it takes a lot to get me to exploding point. Right now, I am kind of sorry I did it but still angry at that kid because of what he said.

-----------------------
I'll rape you to death.
I'll eat your flesh.
I'll sew your skin into my clothes.
If you're very very lucky, I'll do it in that order - TheReaver

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Saturday, March 11, 2006 4:43 AM

SHINYTALENT

Reaver, I'm so sorry. I know how you feel and what you're going through, to an extent, I'm not writing it here but I will say this.
Find a proper outlet before this kills you.
Write, draw, paint, find a sport hell even just go somewhere by yourself and scream all those options are better than this.
You are not alone, trust me.
If you ever need someone to talk to please tag me.

I promise you aren't alone in this.

The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.

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Saturday, March 11, 2006 12:00 PM

CYBERSNARK

Something I've found useful (and related to yelling) is to growl.

Don't know if you can do it (it seems to be an individual thing, like tongue-rolling or being able to wiggle your ears), but I can half-close my throat and make my voice get all rumbly and raspy. If I try to yell at the same time, it comes out less as a yell and more like a roar.

Obviously, I try not to do this in public, 'cause people tend to not like being snarled at.

Quote:
Originally posted by shinytalent:
find a sport hell

Nice freudian slip.

-----
We applied the cortical electrodes but were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient.

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Saturday, March 11, 2006 12:12 PM

Once I snapped on my brother and almost killed him, but stopped myself, thank God. I have anger problems, and can often be seen pounding computers or lockers at school. Recently, I've begun to redirect my anger, coincidentally through a heavy bag and learning pressure point techniques.

What you need to do is analyze the pyschology of this whole incident, and like the other guys said, you have to know exactly how you feel about it. Ever need any help, here's my address.

she18@clearview.ab.ca

I think a little chaos is in order.

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Monday, March 13, 2006 1:13 AM

SIXSHOOTER

Personally, I don't think you need to worry about anger management or that punk kid.
That girlfriend remark of his was the lowest, dirtiest blow and he had the cheek to use it.
He got what was coming to him.
For you to be treated like you've been by those kids, while dealing with a death, is inexcusable.
The death of a loved one is a hell of a thing.
I recently lost my Grandpa, not exactly the same thing, I know, but he was the man I most modeled myself on and to make matters worse, he did not go gentle into that good night.
Afterwards, I felt like setting the world on fire and then pissing on the ashes.

It's going to keep hurting and it’s going to be hard.
And being bipolar is gonna make it a damn lot tougher for you.
But slug it out; it is worth it in the end.
As for the kids jerking you around,
I, myself, was not a popular kid growing up, my family moved around a lot and it seemed like I was always that nerdy little new kid, and so always found myself a big target for trouble, there was a time where not a week would go by that I wasn't in a fight.
And all up I 'won' a grand total of one of those fights, and even that was a fluke.
I had a lot more pride then strength.
But, the more I fought back, the more they backed off, till I was left well enough alone.
So as rough as it sounds, what worked best for me was simply not to suffer fools gladly.
But then at the same time don’t let them take your humility.

In retrospect, what I’ve just said is probably the exact wrong advice and the posters before me are probably a lot smarter then I so take their advice first.

Ah well.

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Monday, March 13, 2006 4:03 AM

PSYCHICRIVER

Wow, that sounds pretty full on. I'm sorry that things are really sucking for you.

I would suggest continuing with councelling and starting up anger management too.

PsychicRiver

"Two by two, hands of blue."

"We'll take care of each other. I'll knit!"
"I swallowed a bug."

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Monday, March 13, 2006 4:10 AM

I say your justified in your actions to a degree, while killing him would cross the line, giving him something to think about later is usually best. (I know if the subject of a dead friend I loved came up, that person would be eating though a tube) while the school board is at fault for being overly ineffective in helping you in your problem. Just the possibly murder tendencies are a bit much. But seriously that is untolerable. I know I would snap, and I've done so on numerous occasions since first grade due to such abuse. It is the only natrual way when all other paths have been taken. But as always that ends up being the worst thing you can do.

*Again has lost himself in his own rhetoric*

Sorry folks.

Remember, Remember the fifth of November

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Wednesday, March 15, 2006 8:18 PM

BROWNCOATSANDINISTA

My sincerest sorrow for you Reaver. Though I've never had to deal with a loved one dying, one of my close friends died this last year. He didn't take his own life, but he got really sick because his insurance wouldn't pay for his time in the hospital. Three days later, he was pronounced dead. I must recommend for you taking your dog for a walk, and if you don't have one, someone else's, barring your being allergic. Secondly, I would recommend a Martial Art. Though this may make the times when you "snap" all the more dangerous ((Imagine a 125lb eighth grade guy throwing another, heavier and bulkier one across the school room and putting him halfway through a table and you've got the idea)) but they will become much fewer and further between. Thirdly, carry on with counselling, as has been said, because though it may seem like it sucks now, it will eventually feel better in the long run. If you have a tight circle of friends, as I was and am fortunate enough to, then talk to them as well. You may not be the most popular person in your school/town but I think all of us here like you well enough.

If anyone gets nosy...Shoot em.
Shoot em sir?
Politely.

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Wednesday, March 15, 2006 9:00 PM

MALBABE

Finding an outlet is absolutely paramount. Martial Arts have been mentioned, and a concern for this becoming more dangerous for you, but if I understand most of these disciplines (and I'm not even close to being any type of expert on them) their main focus is control, discipline, and calmness. You have to be centered to perform many of the tasks, which brings all of these things into play. If this helps you with the "count to ten & breath" that is always recommended in these situations, as well as giving you an outlet for the pent up energy created by this emotion, then all the better. DO NOT GIVE UP! There is help everywhere, you cannot give up just because the authority figures you've encountered are less than useless. Keep trying. Contact a mentoring agency, Big Brothers/Big Sisters, ect, and look into getting a mentor, or even, hey, being a mentor! Perhaps focusing on being a good role model, spending time with someone else who needs attention, may be an additional outlet for you.

Remember you are among friends. "NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER" Life's a rollercoaster, you know that better than most of us. Send good energy into the 'verse, and good energy will return. Eventually. Sometimes it just seems to take a long time...

"I aim to misbehave."

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Wednesday, March 15, 2006 9:13 PM

CHRISMOORHEAD

Dude, unless you're hoping for ivy league schools in the future or something, just hand out a couple of beatings. Take the suspensions and whatever comes with it, it's part of life. I don't know why anyone in their right mind would support fighting as being taboo, it's part of our nature and I for one think it's by great virtue of the fact we discourage fighting with our fists that people come to homicide and murder.

Anyone can bring up statistics as a defense, but sometimes you also gotta use associative logic. Back when my dad was younger, if two guys had beef, they fought it out and got it over with. A good number of them carried guns and knives, too, but they didn't use em in a fist fight. I'm pretty sure if you look up homicides from that time period, the numbers will be a lot lower than today, where we're forbidden to carry weapons in every state but Vermont and punished for fighting more than we've been in the past.

Just discipline yourself to decide what's fight worthy and what's not. If someone chucks something at you, you tell em to stop. If they keep on, you make them stop. Just accept ahead of time that you might lose, and that you will be punished. It sucks, yeah, but just resolve yourself to it. Life's gonna be full of times where you're punished for doing the right thing, and even if you lose 5 fights, if you keep starting them people aren't gonna want to go through the hassle.

Have you ever:
Used your teeth as wire strippers?
Given yourself stitches?
Made improvised munitions with no base supplies?
Pissed in a canteen?
Gone a month without bathing?

If so, you MIGHT just be a !HOOAH MOTHERF*CKER!

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Thursday, March 16, 2006 5:54 AM

GARYPRYKE

Personally I think the kid got what was coming to him. Don't feel guilty or anything.

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Thursday, March 16, 2006 6:00 AM

THEREAVER

My father actually went to see the head of discipline this morning. I don't know what was said, but something is being done about the situation.

-----------------------
I'll rape you to death.
I'll eat your flesh.
I'll sew your skin into my clothes.
If you're very very lucky, I'll do it in that order - TheReaver

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Thursday, March 16, 2006 6:08 AM

FREMDFIRMA

Score one for your dad, responsible parenting is always a plus.

That bein said, don't expect much, public schools are possibly the most toxic enviroment on earth outside of a warzone.

Chris had a good point too, but lemme add this.
As long as you keep takin it, they'll keep doin it.

Teaching folk to accept abuse is the primary cause OF abuse, simple as that, so you've little choice but to hand out a frosty can of whupass once in a while as needed, just to be left the hell alone, it's ugly, but it's true.

It'd help to get your phys-ed/athletics teacher/coach to set you up some "quality time" with a heavy bag too, get it out of your system and get some good exercise too.

-Frem

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Thursday, March 16, 2006 6:15 AM

ISAACSHEPHERD

I'm sorry to hear about all that has been going on in your life. As for the rage part I can relate a bit. I'm usually a very laid back and quiet person, but every time I get mad I usually bottle it up (or at least I did). Anyways, at one point in my life I was under more stress than usual and relationship problems. I was at the brink of my anger when one of my friends said something along the lines of what that kid said to you (obviously not that severe, but it was enough for me to blow my top). I ended up picking him up and throwing him head first into a wall giving him a concussion.

It was wrong of him to say what he said, and for me to do that. It just came out as instict at the time. Luckily the friend that I did this to did not remember even what happened. I apologized to him anyways and I told him exactly what happened when he felt better.

As of now I channel my anger somewhere else. Expelling it through something violent (such as boxing or karate) may not be the best idea. I've taken several classes about psychology and that may actually make the anger worse. When I get mad I play DDR then exaust myself. After that I write. I'm an english major so I love it anyways, but writing about the sitation, or putting whoever made you mad in a cartoon violent situation may make you laugh about it and move on. Then when you are ready to let it all go hit the delete key. That's how I do it anyways. Hope my suggestions help if you apply them. Good luck in the future.
IS

The Bible's a bit fuzzy on the subject of kneecaps.

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Thursday, March 16, 2006 7:21 AM

BLACKOUTNIGHTS

I've got the solution to your problem.

Lots of bourbon on the rocks.

Bt don't listen to me.

"You're either in or you're out, and I'm playing to the in."—Greg Dulli

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Thursday, March 16, 2006 6:41 PM

DC4BS

Hi THEREAVER,

I can somewhat relate to what you are going through. I was not dealing with a death of a loved one (although there were some prety heavy issues going on at home with a stepmother), but I did try to kill a bully at school once.

This was this kid who was big for their age aside from having been left back several times and I was always one of the smallest guys at mey school. I didn't really grow untill after graduation when I grew about 5-6 inches and gained 40 pounds in about 6-7 months... I was a very late bloomer.

This kid bullied me from the 4th grade (when I moved into that town) all the way through 9th.

One day before school, I was playing with a set of "Kerbangers" my sister had given to me. (They are like 2 pool table balls on a string attached to a stick in the middle of the string that you flip up and down to make noise banging the balls together

- What WERE they thinking to market THAT back in the 80s? Enough broken fingers and they took it off the market...)

Anyway, this bully came over and tried to take it away from me.

Something in me snapped. After all the years of abuse, I just wouldn't take it any more. I went absolutely berserk. I took the kerbangers, held one ball and whipped the other one around as a weapon and tried to kill the bully with it.

The bully ran away and several friends tackled me to the ground. I got away from them twice and kept going after the bully. Finaly, a big enough gang of kids piled on me and held me down untill the adrenalyn came back down and I became a human being again.

In my case, there were no adults that were ever aware of the incident that I know of. I brushed as much of the dirt as I could off and went to class when the bell rang.

The upside was that noone ever messed with me in any way at that school ever again with the one exception of a guy who transfered in during 11th grade. Senior year, that guy was suspended and never allowed to return to the school for his unprovoked attack (with plenty of witnesses) that left me with a cracked rib simply because he didn't like that a 'little computer geek' was taking shop classes and doing WAY better than him at it. He had a history of fighting and bullying other kids before that. the attack on me was just the last straw for the school.

Life goes on. To a certain extent, I agree with the sentiment above that it is occationaly necessary to stand up for yourself.

School officials are notoriosly dense. I did poorly in English. I got strraight A's on the tests but I only did enough homework to get a c-.

I was reading, on average, more than 1 full book every day (read 3 once on a Sunday) mostly as an escape from the bullying and issies at home mentioned above (thus no time to DO homework...). So what was the schools solution to the problem of low grades in english class?

Absolutely NO intrest in looking at ALL the grades or bothering to ask any of my actual teachers for their opinion. Just looked at the everage grade on the report card at the end of the year...

They put me in REMEDIAL READING class!!! "No, please don't throw me in that briar patch!"

Lessons learned: When you need help and ask for help and noone seems to listen, keep asking more people louder and louder untill someone does.

Bottling up emotions inside is never a good idea. They WILL come out eventualy and it can be very unpleasent when it happens.

------------------------------------------
dc4bs

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