Nature, nurture, and compulsion- a question for my insightful Browncoat bros. and sisters... by chrisisall

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Nature, nurture, and compulsion- a question for my insightful Browncoat bros. and sisters...

POSTED BY: CHRISISALL
UPDATED: Sunday, July 30, 2006 20:12
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Sunday, July 30, 2006 5:22 AM

Warning: long question...

Set-up:
I met my stepson when he was three and his mom and dad had split up. His dad didn't see him too much, and he had this problem with making in his pants (Witholding is the term, I think), and more than once his father returned him from weekend visits early as a punishment for that.

Later when he was 13, his dad killed himself (or was killed by 'friends', oppinions vary) by getting drunk and aquiring repeated bites from his fully venomous pet rattlesnake out in a snowstorm.
At the funeral, my stepson said he wasn't crying because "he had to be the strong one".

He started wanting to hang with his cousins, who smoked and drank early, and got tatoos with them, and joined the army, then didn't want to go, so he got tats on his face, and then got into suspension (you get hooked up with meat hooks and suspended
by chains; a performance of sorts- neat Rambo-like scars are one result).
He always held to the idea that his dad was murdered, and had no memory of his dad's neglect or abuse, and would never acknowledge his dad's dangerous or self-destructive lifestyle. He fixated on his dad, even though his mom was always there for him, as loving and big-hearted as all get out.
I had somewhat less patience with his self-absorbed behaviour as he reached 20, the silicone implants in his neck and hand held no purpose I could see, other than to display his inner pain (and hurt his mom in the process).

He now lives in a far away land (New Jersey), and speaks in sullen tones when describing his less-than-thrilling life. Always a problem there is, always an irritated answer to questions. He makes it abundantly clear that he's not quite happy, yet seems to have no feeling about the pet that just died, or the three-year relationship that just ended.

His mom feels bad for him, yet I tell her that somehow he chose this; he had at his beck and call more emotional resourses (his mom, me, his grand parents) than many others in this life get, yet he focused on the bad...

Question: Why choose a fixation with self-mutilation and dumasses? Or did he choose it?
Any insights? I'm obviously a little close to this one.

Just makin' it through this strange life Chrisisall

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Sunday, July 30, 2006 5:35 AM

PHOENIXROSE

You think you know--what's to come, what you are. You haven't even begun.

I don't think there's anyone who isn't close to a similar situation

but I'll do my best.

*heaves a huge sigh*
OK, going into issues and things (I have studied, but do not have a degree or other certification, but you can check it all out)
Unconcious commitments are often formed in early stages of life, and they can be incredibly destructive and hard to pin down. In this situation, it is possible that somewhere in his childhood, he formed the idea that he had to be "tough" to gain respect and love from his father.
What really probably fucked him up (pardon the language, but it's the only accurate term) is that his father died in a stupid way and he never gained the love or respect he was subconciously seeking. This put something intangible out of his reach, which can have a profound and bad effect on the phyche.
Yes, in a way he did chose this course of actions. He's still striving for something and he doesn't know what it is. I've known people who do suspension; it is basically the ultimate high. The body goes into shock and pumps itself full of endorphins. Like any other high, this is temporary.
The other thing is that, not only did he chose what to do and how to behave, he is the one who has to chose to get better. He has to admit he has issues, then find out precisely what they are, and then purge them. This is a difficult process for many to undergo; it's a "devil you know" situation, where they're worried anything else will just be worse.
I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this.

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Sunday, July 30, 2006 5:48 AM

CYBERSNARK

Quote:
Originally posted by chrisisall:
Question: Why choose a fixation with self-mutilation and dumasses?

'Cause it's easy, maybe. It's just the path he's one --one that was chosen for him, but that he doesn't choose to leave. No need to question or re-evaluate anything.

Like Phoenix said, it's a devil he knows. Why bother changing what (to his mind) works in favour of something that would (again, to his mind) require him to throw out all he's come through.

I guess all anyone can do is let him have his lead. Hopefully he'll find someone to. . . I don't wanna say "fix" him, but make him comfortable in his own consciousness.

-----
We applied the cortical electrodes but were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient.

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Sunday, July 30, 2006 7:49 AM

TROGMAN

Chrisisall -

I agree with the above answers - he's looking for an approval/acceptance that is, as of now, unattainable (or, unreplaceable may be a better word). If I can add another factor - it sounds like there is such sadness, resentment, and anger associated with his young life that he doesn't know how to feel anything else. Those feelings are, oddly enough, comfortable and familiar - there is terror is trying to feel anything else. He may also feel such a low confidence from his father "leaving" that he feels he deserves all the pain in his life.

I an no expert - this is just from knowing a friend who barely made it out of a similar outlook. The one thing this friend needed was to be told, clearly and repeatedly over a long time, that they 100% deserved to be loved, and that they 100% deserved to attain happiness. They weren't broken, damaged goods, etc. Somehow, over time, it broke through.

It sounds like you've probably said these kind of things already, from what I read here, but hopefully comments from another perspective can help.

As always, we'll contribute comments and assistance whenever we can for another Browncoat.

Dumb question - has he watched Firefly/Serenity? Could you use a discussion of the themes in the series as a proxy for events in his own life? You may have already tried that, just thinking off the top of my head...

I envy Chrisisall's exceptionally witty sign-offs Trogman

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Sunday, July 30, 2006 9:33 AM

CHRISISALL

Quote:
Originally posted by TrogMan:

Dumb question - has he watched Firefly/Serenity? Could you use a discussion of the themes in the series as a proxy for events in his own life?

I sent him the BDM for a present, he said he liked it (I imagine Jayne's rant on why someone would cut on himself to be a little off-putting, but I didn't broach that particular point with him...).
But alas, he's no Browncoat because of it.

He watched it only once.

Your comments are much appreciated, and helpful.

The much obliged Chrisisall

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Sunday, July 30, 2006 9:43 AM

CHRISISALL

Quote:
Originally posted by PhoenixRose:
it is possible that somewhere in his childhood, he formed the idea that he had to be "tough" to gain respect and love from his father.

Very good point, PR, I hadn't put words to that before- it seems right on.

Let me also say that the kid (heh, he's 26 now, can't call him that much longer) has a great heart, he's the kind of guy you'd want in charge of your store, or watching your children.
Just wish he could shake loose the past...or at least give a cry for his inner child. He's so tight most of the time.
As opposed to his stepdad, who cries at every soar of a leaf...

Thanks crew, Chrisisall

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Sunday, July 30, 2006 9:45 AM

TROGMAN

Anytime. I hope you find that magic mix of his own motivation, plus support from the rest of you, to get him to a better frame of mind.

Hell, send him a transcript of this thread, maybe that'll shake things up a bit.

*************************
My dog just randomly said to me, "WOOF WOOF WOOF." I agree.

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Sunday, July 30, 2006 9:57 AM

CHRISISALL

Quote:
Originally posted by TrogMan:

Hell, send him a transcript of this thread, maybe that'll shake things up a bit.

No doubt.
I think we'll stir a bit more, before we shake...

Again, thanks.

The less obvious route Chrisisall

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Sunday, July 30, 2006 11:09 AM

BSCPANTHERFAN

I saw the title of this thread, and I figured I would throw in my two cents worth.

As an adopted child, I always wondered how much of me was nature and how much was nurture. I didn't have the best childhood, but I can't complain too much since the one I would have had was much worse. I met my birth mother when I was in my early 20's, and I found that we shared several personality traits that obviously didn't come from my adoptive family. At that point in time I figure it was about 60-70% nurture, and 30-40% nature. The more time passes, the more I rely on my own past experiences to make me into what I am, rather than what I used to be. So compulsions tend to reinforce things I do in my life, whether they are good or bad. I try to stop compulsions that I find unhelpful to my life and happiness, and indulge the ones that I like. But ultimately, I had to realize that I CHOOSE my own compulsions, and that tends to give a person more power over them. In other words, the Devil didn't make you do anything, you chose to do it. Besides, I think we ate him back in the Forsaken threads. Sorry for the extreme length here. Hope this helps some.

So who is he?
He's my husband.
Well who in the damn galaxy ain't!

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Sunday, July 30, 2006 11:43 AM

CHRISISALL

Quote:
Originally posted by BSCPantherfan:
Hope this helps some.

Thanks much, BSC.

Every little bit of light shed Chrisisall

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Sunday, July 30, 2006 11:59 AM

BSCPANTHERFAN

You might want to PM FutureMrsFillion about this, since she has so many that she's raising. Maybe she has some insight.

So who is he?
He's my husband.
Well who in the damn galaxy ain't!

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Sunday, July 30, 2006 8:12 PM

ONEMANSHORT

I can't say that I can give incredible insight into this, I'm just a kid myself...but I would like to comment. I think that nature and nurture is always a combination. However you look at it, it is a concious decision to go down a strange path, on the other hand, it was a concious that had been a bit broken by the past, so that affected the decision. Maybe it had something to do with wanting to experience something else besides the emotional pain. These are just guesses though, I wish I could help more. All I can say is that there is always the future to look forward to, and it may help to just focus on making it more positive than the past.

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