Daily Dose of Laughter by Koffee

TALK STORY

Daily Dose of Laughter

POSTED BY: KOFFEE
UPDATED: Sunday, July 20, 2003 13:30
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VIEWED: 22163
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Wednesday, June 4, 2003 7:01 PM

Every one could use a good laugh now and then. On other boards from my past I have started a thread that is all for the jokes we recieve in emails and such. I thought I might do the same here. I want everyone to share their jokes, laugh, and walk away with a smile.

I'll start.....

Life Truths:

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars!

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come
to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first oldest profession.

13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it's here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

15. You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 to 15 years... Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

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“It's a real burn, being right so often.”

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Wednesday, June 4, 2003 7:19 PM

SUCCATASH

Quote:
Originally posted by Koffee:
I want everyone to share their jokes, laugh, and walk away with a smile.

This isn't exactly an email joke I received but I couldn't resist sharing.

Here is some original Succatash stand up comedy! This is really my voice, Maniac can verify. I made this to prove that anything is funny if you add a laugh track.

http://www.strangefinger.com/succatash-standsup.mp3

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Wednesday, June 4, 2003 8:32 PM

MANIACNUMBERONE

I got a really nasty joke for ya. It's about poo, so don't read it if poo offends you. By the way, I apologize for this joke beforehand, I know it's bad, I just couldn't think of another one at the moment. I hope this doesn't completely ruin my reputation.

Select to view spoiler:

There's this guy who has lots of trouble taking a crap. (crude huh?) Whenever he tries, he pushes and pushes so hard that he hyperventilates until he passes out. His roommates tell him (jokingly) that one of these days he's going to crap his guts out.
Well, time goes by and the roommates decide to play a trick on him.
The next time he passes out from pushing too hard, they are prepared. They have gone out and shot a deer, and readied its guts for the joke... so when he is unconscious, they sneak into the bathroom and put the guts at his feet.
After a while many strange sounds emerge from the bathroom. (Exclamations and the like.) The poor fellow in the bathroom comes out all flushed, and says, "I can't believe it, you were right, I crapped my guts out. But with the help of the lord and a long stick I got 'em back in."

Oooooohhh. yup, I had the same reaction the first time I heard this one. You're sorry now, huh?

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Wednesday, June 4, 2003 8:43 PM

ARCHER

My days of not taking you seriously are coming to a middle.

There ain't nothin' I can't overcome or come to know. So lay your heavy load down on me, strip everything I have away. I am not your prisoner, I am not afraid.

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Wednesday, June 4, 2003 9:06 PM

KAYTHRYN

Thought it had a kind poetry to it.

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It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
Aristotle

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Wednesday, June 4, 2003 9:23 PM

NOOCYTE

Mid-to-high brow snicker alert:

Descartes walks into Burger King and orders a Whopper. The young person behind the counter asks if he would like fries with that. Descartes replies: "I think not."

And disappears.

Department of Redundancy Department

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Wednesday, June 4, 2003 10:23 PM

ARCHER

Heh.

Thank you, Alfred Freaking Bester.

Read the Psi-Corps trilogy?

There ain't nothin' I can't overcome or come to know. So lay your heavy load down on me, strip everything I have away. I am not your prisoner, I am not afraid.

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Thursday, June 5, 2003 8:29 AM

MANIACNUMBERONE

I don't need to be taken seriously, I just need to be taken.

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Monday, June 9, 2003 9:41 PM

KOFFEE

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass.

I thought the results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...

The other 5% say that they don't care - they love him and would have married him anyway.

----------------------------------------------
“It's a real burn, being right so often.”

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Wednesday, June 11, 2003 1:46 AM

KOFFEE

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he/she finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

----------------------------------------------
“It's a real burn, being right so often.”

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Wednesday, June 11, 2003 12:06 PM

MANIACNUMBERONE

Q: What's the difference between an orange?
A: A telephone pole, because motorcycles don't have doors.

If I fell in the woods and nobody heard, would I make a sound?

How much beer could a woodchuck chuck?

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Thursday, June 12, 2003 11:31 PM

MANIACNUMBERONE

A man walks down the street in a hat like that's not afraid of anything.

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Friday, June 13, 2003 8:36 PM

KOFFEE

Quote:
Originally posted by ManiacNumberOne:
Q: What's the difference between an orange?
A: A telephone pole, because motorcycles don't have doors.

If I fell in the woods and nobody heard, would I make a sound?

How much beer could a woodchuck chuck?

Wubba huh? You been taking pain meds again?

----------------------------------------------
“It's a real burn, being right so often.”

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Monday, June 16, 2003 9:04 PM

KOFFEE

They finally released the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

----------------------------------------------
“It's a real burn, being right so often.”

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Tuesday, June 17, 2003 9:12 AM

MANIACNUMBERONE

ahh ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm glad I saw that, Koffee.

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Tuesday, June 17, 2003 10:27 AM

MANIACNUMBERONE

did anybody see the ad about the interstate hwy in Hawaii!

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Tuesday, June 17, 2003 10:49 AM

MELEE

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time for no good reason.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a venus flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite and bite and the frog won't feel it 'cause it only has itty little plant teeth. But it could do some other stuff and then it would be like ambition...

If we ran around naked, we'd look pretty stupid with shoes.

If a man yells in a forest, and no woman's around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Q: What's green and red and goes 50 miles an hour?
A: A frog in a blender

Q: Why is Viagra like Disney World?
A: You have to wait an hour for a 3 minute ride

*badooshdink* *insert hilarious laugh track here*

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Tuesday, June 17, 2003 11:18 AM

MANIACNUMBERONE

I am enjoying this thread. you gals kick butt.

I think about the man in the forest question, the answer is, he is wrong only if he can hear himself.

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Tuesday, June 17, 2003 1:13 PM

XENARC

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace........

It read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started. So I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.

So, today I have finished one bottle of Barcardi Ciclon, two bottles of Vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, my Prozac, a small box of chocolates and a quart of rocky road.

You have no idea how good I feel.

XenArc

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Tuesday, June 17, 2003 1:17 PM

SUCCATASH

I received this email spam today. I don't know who made these pics, but they are funny.

IF GW BUSH WAS A GIRL...

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Tuesday, June 17, 2003 2:41 PM

MELEE

*dies laughing*

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Tuesday, June 17, 2003 7:56 PM

LERXST

AAAAAUUUUGH! My eyes!!

_________________________________________________
Raspberry! Only one man would dare give me the raspberry...LONESTAR!!

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Tuesday, June 17, 2003 9:09 PM

MANIACNUMBERONE

ahhhhhh! that was so funny! I want bush to see those too.
I suspect they weren't sent to you though, rather, you spent the time to amuse us, and did those yer own self, huh?

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Wednesday, June 18, 2003 5:42 AM

SUCCATASH

No Maniac, they came to my inbox as spam email. I don't who to give credit to for the funny pics. Since it was spam I don't feel bad about showing everyone here.

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Wednesday, June 18, 2003 8:38 AM

SARAHETC

Y'all might not think this is funny, but it about did me in.

Was teaching a section of summer science camp for little kids yesterday-- 6 and 7 year olds. They were being weather reporters with me and my boss was going over how to set up a camera shot. He did a lot of bad shots (half a face, zoom on chin and such) and asked "What's wrong with this shot?"

At one point a little boy shouted, in answer "He's stinky!"

Cracked me up, at least.

How many cheks could a hawchek chek if a hawchek could chek chek?

Ha! Linguistics humor.

,
Sarah

I'm a dying breed who still believes, haunted by American dreams. ---Neko Case

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Thursday, June 19, 2003 12:20 AM

KOFFEE

AS I'VE MATURED...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you
... All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
...Some people are just assholes

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
... After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others
.... They are more screwed up than you think

I've learned that you can keep vomiting
.... Long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do
.... Unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first the passion fades
.... And there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house,
.... One of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon
....And all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "F*ck 'em if they can't take a joke"
.... In 6 languages.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it.

Who knows, maybe something good will happen.

If not
....Tough shit

----------------------------------------------
“It's a real burn, being right so often.”

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Thursday, June 19, 2003 4:34 AM

MELEE

Hah! I will pass on those little bits of knowledge! Here's some more:

When in doubt, duck
... when certain, don't bother 'cause you're
already screwed

If at first you don't succeed, try again
... then give up, no sense in being ridiculous about it

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Thursday, June 19, 2003 10:46 PM

KOFFEE

Succatash, those pictures are Hi-larious!

-----------------------------------------

Our Chemical Makeup

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: Wo

Atomic Weight: Don't even go there!!

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

-------------

Element Name: MAN

Symbol: Xy

Atomic Weight: 180 +/- 50

Physical Properties: Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find pure sample.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element: child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

----------------------------------------------
“It's a real burn, being right so often.”

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Tuesday, July 15, 2003 1:30 AM

KOFFEE

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered, "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

----------------------------------------------
“It's a real burn, being right so often.”

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Tuesday, July 15, 2003 5:58 AM

TRAGICSTORY

Here is my crude and sexist joke:

Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: Because they think we give a shit.

Next joke:

Dale Einhart (or insert other famous dead race car driver)dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates St. Peter gives him the keys to a Geo Metro to drive around.

Dale is noticably upset and says "I've spend my whole life as a good christian and in return I would like a Lamborgini to drive around, not a crappy Metro."

"But we are very concious of the enviornment in heaven and these get good gas milage." St. Peter answered.

Just then a long haired man in a robe flies past them in a Lamborgini.

"God damn it! That's the last straw. Some dirty hippie gets to drive my dream car and I have to ride in this POS?" Dale yelled.

St. Peter answered
"Quiet man, that's the boss' son!"

-----------
"Societies are supported by human activity, therefore they are constantly threatened by the human facts of self-intrest and stupidity." --Peter Berger

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Tuesday, July 15, 2003 6:55 AM

JOHNNYREB

LOL!

Here's one vaguely reminiscent of Firefly...

During the American Civil War, a Confederate prisoner of war was kept on display in a cage at Camp Point Lookout in Maryland. He was meant to serve as a warning to others who would wage war against the United States, but everytime the commandant of the p.o.w. camp walked by, the rebel would taunt him and jeer at him. The rebel shouted things like, "We whooped you at Bull Run! We slaughtered you at Fredricksburg! We whipped you good at Gaines Mill!"

Finally, the commandant grew sick of the constant harassment and gave the rebel prisoner a choice. He could either swear allegiance to the United States of America, or he could suffer the pains and penalties of death for treason.

The rebel was no fool. He knew that it was better to be a live dog than and dead lion and took the oath. The commandant, pleased with himself, asked the newly reformed United States citizen if he had anything to say, now that he was no longer affiliated with the Confederacy.

The former rebel looked at him and said, "Boy, didn't them rebels cream us at Chicamauga?"

Viva Firefly!

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Thursday, July 17, 2003 11:20 AM

HIMBERRY

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss;
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other;
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you;
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace;
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes;
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife;
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming;
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love you take my breath away;
What have you stepped in to smell this way.

My feelings for you no words can tell;
Except for maybe "go to hell".

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Friday, July 18, 2003 3:22 PM

VETERAN

Don't squat with your spurs on.

From the list of things it took me 50 years to learn...

"Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time."

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Sunday, July 20, 2003 11:59 AM

Wise thoughts....

1 ) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!

2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.

11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13) NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room spinning-medicine.

14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandmother...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in her car.

15) God must love stupid people, he made so many. and they all work for Fox!

16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

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Sunday, July 20, 2003 1:30 PM

VETERAN

Don't squat with your spurs on.

CQ,

Good stuff. How about,

"Women need a reason to have sex, Men just need a place."

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