Things they'll likely never say..... by Ankhagogo

Sorry---I just realized I put this in the totally wrong discussion area. It's been a long week.

Can it be moved?

"You are such a boob."

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Saturday, March 6, 2004 4:49 AM

DRAKON

Quote:
Originally posted by Ankhagogo:

Things You'll Likely Never Hear Malcolm Reynolds Say:

"And it is, it is a glorious thing, to be the pirate king!"

ROFLMAO!!! I can just see him doing the full Kevin Kline for this number.

"Wash, where is my damn spaceship?"

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Sunday, March 7, 2004 1:01 PM

INEVITABLEBETRAYAL

No promises of humor, just my take:

Mal: You know, I reckon stayin' in one place a spell may be the thing to do.

Zoe: No, sir.

Wash: I'm sorry, cap'n, but I'm afraid that's beyond my ability as a pilot.

Jayne [thought to self]: Perhaps I oughtn't say this; it is rather inappropriate.

Kaylee: Nah...I'd really rather stay and work on the engine; a dress-up fancy occassion just doesn't appeal at the moment.

Simon: Dude!

River: [Anything at all coherent]

Book: I say we kill 'em all and take the loot!

Inara: I love you, Mal.

_______________________________________________
I wish I had a magical wish-granting plank.

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Sunday, March 7, 2004 5:12 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by InevitableBetrayal:
No promises of humor, just my take:

Zoe: No, sir.

Jayne [thought to self]: Perhaps I oughtn't say this; it is rather inappropriate.

Simon: Dude!

I don't know if it's the actual idea of Jayne thinking that or the idea that he would say the word "oughtn't" that's funnier.

But now I'm picturing Simon saying "Dude!"

hee heeeee

"Jayne is a girl's name."

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Sunday, March 7, 2004 5:14 PM

GINOBIFFARONI

" Things You'll Likely Never Hear Malcolm Reynolds Say:

I like this thread, funny.

But here is a challenge to you...

Write a short Fan-Fic with the characters using each of your funny sugestions. It would be hillarious.

" Thats not fair !!!!
I didn't even have a soul when I did that!"

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Sunday, March 28, 2004 10:48 AM

TEELABROWN

A two-person...
Zoe: Honey, where are your dinosaurs?
Wash: Oh, I outgrew them.

These are all very, very funny!

_____________
"Freedom is the Freedom to say that 2 plus 2 make 4. If that is granted, all else follws"-Winston, 1984
Teela Brown, keeper of bad typing.
"No one reads these things any way."- Bart on Blackboard

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Sunday, March 28, 2004 6:20 PM

MERAT

Book: "You want to know about my past? Sure thing. Well, it all started when....."

Someone out there was going to find out that their worst nightmare was a maddened Librarian.

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Sunday, March 28, 2004 6:26 PM

FIREFLYTHEMOVIE

Fox execs: "We were utter fools."

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Sunday, March 28, 2004 9:03 PM

DAVCO92

Mal to Alliance recruiter: "So, where do I sign up?"

Zoe to Alliance recruiter: "Yes, sir."

Jayne: "Huh? I don't get it. I like kissin menfolk on the mouth...specially if they ain't shaved lately."

Burn the land, boil the sea...

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Monday, March 29, 2004 6:15 PM

Zoe:

"Dammit, I broke a nail!"

"Guns just aren't feminine."

"That Jayne Cobb is one fine-lookin' mother..."

"Inara's teaching me how to be a Companion. Jayne, you wanna watch?"

"I wish we'd spend more time in the Core."

"And this one time, at band camp...."

"Mal, shut the hell up."

"So...would his job be available?"

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Wednesday, May 19, 2004 1:06 AM

MANTICHORUS

Something you'd NEVER hear Jayne say...
Jayne: Why don't we all sit down an' discuss this reasonably?

"BADGER: You think you're better than other people.
MAL: Just the ones I'm better than."

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Wednesday, May 19, 2004 1:46 AM

GUNHAND

Simon: "Dammit Mal I'm a doctor not a bricklayer!"

Jayne: "...and in conclusion my fellow Nobel candidates, if you follow my hypothesis on the greenhouse effect in the latter part of the 21st century we can deduce that the scale of hydrochloroflourocarbons reached a critical state in this vector while..."

Kaylee: "Not now Simon, I have a headache."

Inara: "No I don't want to go shoe shopping on our trip here to the Core, I want to go to a tractor pull!"

Mal: "I take you, Yolanda Saffron Bridget Mellisa Alexandria Amanda Choloe Kimberly etc. etc. to be my lawfully wedded wife..."

Wash: "Dinosaur zoo? Boooooriiiing."

Zoe: "Take me Shepard, take me hard."

River: "I feel fine. Can we go get some pancakes?"

Book: "On piracy, well, the Bible is a mite bit fuzzier on that."

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
"Oh hey, I got an idea. Instead of us hanging
around playing art critic till I get pinched by
the Man, how's about we move away from this
eerie-ass piece of work and get on with our
increasingly eerie-ass day, how's that?"

My eerie-ass website:
http://gunhandsfirefly.homestead.com/Index.html

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Wednesday, May 19, 2004 2:27 AM

ASTRIANA

Quote:
Originally posted by Ankhagogo:
Zoe:

"Mal, shut the hell up."

Ahhhhh Ha ha ha ha ha...

LMGAO!

~A~
El Jefe Magnifico's Mistress... of Communications and Harems...

...I'm still free,
You can't take the sky from me.

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Wednesday, May 19, 2004 3:01 AM

DTT

Mal: "Well, that's just uncouth."

Jayne: "War -- what is it good for?"

Wash: "Relations with Zoe are, well, mediocre."

Simon: "Nothin' like a day of watching sports."

Book: "Long hair is for girls."

Kaylee: "Math is hard. Ewwww, engines are dirty."

"Zoe: "I'll do all the laundry, while you go have a beer."

River: "Don't misunderestimate me."

Inara: "I'll be in Jayne's bunk."

"You didn't have to wound that man."
"Yeah, I know. It was just funny."

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Wednesday, May 19, 2004 4:27 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Drakon:
Quote:
Originally posted by Ankhagogo:

Things You'll Likely Never Hear Malcolm Reynolds Say:

"And it is, it is a glorious thing, to be the pirate king!"

ROFLMAO!!! I can just see him doing the full Kevin Kline for this number.

"Wash, where is my damn spaceship?"

BWAAHAHAHA!! That is the exact image I saw, too!!!

insight spinner
__________

Just an object. It doesn't mean what you think....

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Wednesday, May 19, 2004 4:31 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Ankhagogo:
Zoe:

"Dammit, I broke a nail!"

"Guns just aren't feminine."

"That Jayne Cobb is one fine-lookin' mother..."

"Inara's teaching me how to be a Companion. Jayne, you wanna watch?"

"I wish we'd spend more time in the Core."

"And this one time, at band camp...."

"Mal, shut the hell up."

"So...would his job be available?"

[chanting]
More Zoe! More Zoe! More Zoe!

Since she says so little, there's no end to the humor in the things she wouldn't say!!

insight spinner
__________

Just an object. It doesn't mean what you think....

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Wednesday, May 19, 2004 4:36 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by dtt:

Inara: "I'll be in Jayne's bunk."

"You didn't have to wound that man."
"Yeah, I know. It was just funny."

WHEEEEEEEEE!!!

Now that sounds downright unnatural.

insight spinner
__________

Just an object. It doesn't mean what you think....

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Wednesday, May 19, 2004 4:42 AM

DTT

Zoe: "Does this dress make me look fat?"
Zoe: "That is soooo cuuuuuuuuuuute!"
Zoe: "Husband or Captain? That's a tough decision -- my fragile female psyche can't handle the strain. I'm going to cry now."
Zoe: "Does anybody know where I put my lipstick?"
Zoe: "Guns are bad, 'mkay?"
Zoe: "I want to teach you all about love."
Zoe: "I believe in Neo, Morpheus."

"You didn't have to wound that man."
"Yeah, I know. It was just funny."

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Wednesday, May 19, 2004 5:56 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by dtt:
Zoe: "Does this dress make me look fat?"
Zoe: "That is soooo cuuuuuuuuuuute!"
Zoe: "Husband or Captain? That's a tough decision -- my fragile female psyche can't handle the strain. I'm going to cry now."
Zoe: "Does anybody know where I put my lipstick?"
Zoe: "Guns are bad, 'mkay?"
Zoe: "I want to teach you all about love."
Zoe: "I believe in Neo, Morpheus."

"You didn't have to wound that man."
"Yeah, I know. It was just funny."

Oh yeah!! I love 'em all, but

Zoe: "I believe in Neo, Morpheus."

Now that's a keeper!! See how she is blindly loyal to her husband, no matter the 'verse?

That's my Zoe. She's my role model. Well, gotta go back and kick some butt for a living, just like her. Be back soon.

[Inspin goes back to her work calling "here, spreadsheet, spreadsheet. Nice spreadsheet!!"] Yeah, I'm feelin' mighty tough.]

insight spinner
__________

Just an object. It doesn't mean what you think....

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Wednesday, May 19, 2004 6:15 AM

JUMPY

Quote:
Originally posted by Gunhand:

Book: "On piracy, well, the Bible is a mite bit fuzzier on that."

"On belief in God, well, the Bible is a mite bit fuzzier on that."

(I love INEVITABLEBETRAYAL's take on this thread btw)

__________________________
There's no show I'd rather see, than the one with Serenity.
You can't take the sky from me...

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Wednesday, May 19, 2004 6:49 AM

WEERWOLF

Simon: "Kaylee, I love you. Even if ten thousand of the most beautiful women of the core would throw themselves at me while tearing off their clothes, I'd still only have eyes for you. Because I love you Kaylee, and you're the most beautiful woman in the 'verse."

He'd probably WANT to say it, but I can't just see him delivering it... He'd just mess up again.

Mal: "Guys, I want you to meet Jayne's replacement. All welcome... well he doesn't have a name, but as you can clearly see from all the self-inflicted mutilations, he's a Reaver."

Jayne: "Simon, can you hold Vera for a moment please?"

Zoe: "Wash, do you want me to wash your feet after you finished the soup?"

Not too sure on that one though...

Wash: "Ahhhh! We're going to crash! No Mal, I mean it!" (Big explosion as Serenity crashes into Uranus)

River: "No, I really actually liked the experiments, but Simon was so helplessly confused about the matter that I tried to play along so as not to confuse him even more..."

Book: "How much is that Geisha in the window..."

Inara: "No Jayne, if you really want to become a Companion, you have to learn how play the dulcimer. Now sit down and lets try again from the top..."

Kaylee: "Mal if you'd just listen to me and got that damn part when I told you too, you wouldn't have gotten yourself shot!"

--------------------------------------------
"Damn it Mal... I forgot my line!"

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Wednesday, May 19, 2004 7:19 AM

GRACEOM

Kaylee: Serenity really is a piece of gos-se

Mal: Inara, give up your life as a glamorous courtesan and marry me!

Inara: Mal, you were right all along--life as a petty criminal is more rewarding and honorable than life as high-class, legal, prostitute.

Inara: No Mal, I never have sex with my clients.

Simon: As long as River's around I'll never be able to have a normal love-life with Kaylee. So, I say we turn her in, grab the reward, and never look back.

Book: River, can you please finish fixing my Bible? I like what you've done so far.

Grace

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Wednesday, May 19, 2004 10:07 AM

DELIA

A few more . . .

Jayne: Please accept my most heartfelt, sincere, and humble apologies.

Zoe: Mal is, like, such a dork.

Wash: Honey, I think you should listen to the captain more.

Kaylee: Ummm, sorry to bother you, but, well, I think there's something wrong with that big thingy that makes the ship go. The doohickey's gone all wonky, and there's this weird "whomp whomp" noise. Anybody know how to fix that?

Badger: Nah, you're looking for Malcolm Reynolds. He's way better than me.

Mal: This is a glorious day for all pround members of the Allied Planets. Unification Day! Drinks are on me!

___________________________________________
WESLEY : Feng shui.
GUNN: Right. What's that mean again?
WESLEY: That people will believe anything.

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Wednesday, May 19, 2004 10:18 AM

SKYDANCE

"Zoe: Does this dress make me look fat?"

Winner! Go, DTT! *laughs*

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Thursday, May 20, 2004 6:49 AM

HOAGIE

Simon: Kaylee, i know that you have feelings for me, but i love my sister... i mean i really love my sister.

sick and wrong, i know. i'm sorry

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Thursday, May 20, 2004 7:14 AM

MENELUIN

Quote:

Kaylee: "Not now Simon, I have a headache."

!!!!!! Great. Now I'm laughing so hard I'm squealing... at work. That is so ruttin' funny!!!!!

~~~~~~~~
http://www.thepaperbackwriter.com
AIM: KingArthursPiano
E-mail/MSN: sgtpprsgrl@hotmail.com

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Thursday, May 20, 2004 10:29 AM

DELIA

Gunhand,

HA! I loved them, especially

Quote:
Originally posted by Gunhand:
Simon: "Dammit Mal I'm a doctor not a bricklayer!"

Zoe: "Take me Shepard, take me hard."

River: "I feel fine. Can we go get some pancakes?"

Delia

___________________________________________
WESLEY : Feng shui.
GUNN: Right. What's that mean again?
WESLEY: That people will believe anything.

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Thursday, May 20, 2004 1:23 PM

FIREFLEW

Kaylee : Oh Simon, that's such a lovely thing to say.

Jayne: "Know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I beat you with till you understand who's in command."

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Thursday, May 20, 2004 2:36 PM

Simon: "Dammit Mal I'm a doctor not a bricklayer!"

Zoe: "Take me Shepard, take me hard."

River: "I feel fine. Can we go get some pancakes?"

Mal: "Well, that's just uncouth."

Kaylee: Ummm, sorry to bother you, but, well, I think there's something wrong with that big thingy that makes the ship go. The doohickey's gone all wonky, and there's this weird "whomp whomp" noise. Anybody know how to fix that?

Simon: As long as River's around I'll never be able to have a normal love-life with Kaylee. So, I say we turn her in, grab the reward, and never look back.

LMGAO!!! I can just hear Kaylee in my head saying "doohickey"!

To be perfectly self-centered, I'm glad whoever revived this thread. I like silliness.
Especially after last night.

"I'd kinda like to slay a dragon."

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Thursday, May 20, 2004 4:08 PM

SUENOS

Inara: "I’ve realized that sleeping with people for money isn’t the kind of life I want to lead. I’d like to do something in the restaurant industry."

Inara: "You’re using that entirely wrong. It goes more to the left and don’t forget to turn the safety on. You could have killed us all!"

River: "I’ve realized my excessive need for drama is because I haven’t discovered my inner child. I’m off to eat ice cream and play with blocks."

Zoe: " Common Kaylee, Inara, River! Pottery Barn is having a sale and I want to get there early. Than we can stop at the Cheesecake factory for lunch!"

_____________________________________
Just because it didn't happen dosen't mean I didn't see it.

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Thursday, May 20, 2004 8:58 PM

ANNIK

Great threat!

Jayne: This here'n hat of mine is rather cunning, but does it go with my shoes?

River: Luke, use the Force.

Simon: This Chinese-painted plate is the most gorgeous example of pre-post-ante-peri-artwork I've ever had the pleasure to see!

Shepherd: Save your own damn souls, gorrammit!

Inara: As a Registered Companion, I get a courtesty discount at all bedding, prophylactic, and tea shoppes.

Zoe: I think it would be safest if Wash went with you on this mission, sir.

Wash: All kidding aside, Mal. I'm absolutely certain that you need to make love to my wife.

Kaylee: I go both ways.

Mal: So do I.

Cheers,
Annik
... my sister's a ship. We had a complicated childhood.

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Friday, May 21, 2004 4:48 AM

CYBERSNARK

Quote:
Originally posted by dtt:
Zoe: "Husband or Captain? That's a tough decision -- my fragile female psyche can't handle the strain. I'm going to cry now."

I can actually hear her saying that, in a flat, ironic deadpan delivery.

-----
We applied the cortical electrodes but were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient.

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Friday, May 21, 2004 5:07 AM

MILORADELL

Mal regarding Serenity - "Who gives a gorram what happens to it? At least we'll get the insurance money."

****
"The pessimist and the optimist have one thing in common: they both think that this is the best of all possible worlds." Voltaire

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Friday, May 21, 2004 11:08 AM

SUENOS

Okay, just a few more.

Mal: "Simon you have the bridge."

Joss: "I look forward to working with FOX again."

Tim: "Fox has been so good to all the shows I've worked on."

Haken: "I'm going to develope a website that focuses on all the quality reality shows that FOX broadcasts."

_________________________________
Red wine goes with everything!

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Sunday, May 23, 2004 8:01 AM

GEEZER

Keep the Shiny side up

Book: "While my attention was elsewhere, someone stole all my religious pamplets. I guess you could say I was (wait for it) distracted." (rimshot)

"Keep the Shiny side up"

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Friday, February 10, 2006 8:43 AM

SERENITYSLITTLEANGEL

Thought I'd bring this back.

Mal: Screw the Independants. [Puts on cute cheerleader outfit] Go Alliance!!!!

Simon: Kaylee, I think I'm in love with Jayne.
Kaylee: Fine with me. Up for a threesome?

------------------------------------
19 conversions and counting!!!

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Friday, February 10, 2006 9:03 AM

With my mind still on the chicken thread, I guess this one, in reverse, works here too:

Ruby (Safe): [anything at all]

--
"Mei-mei, everything I have is right here." -- Simon Tam

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Friday, February 10, 2006 9:16 AM

Why, these are a lot harder than the chicken jokes, actually; but okay. :)

River: Bible's just fine.

Simon: This is not my sister.

Jayne: Jayne is a girl's name.

--
"Mei-mei, everything I have is right here." -- Simon Tam

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Friday, February 10, 2006 12:54 PM

DC4BS

Simon: This is not my beautiful house! How did I get here?

Zoe: Hmm... How to split a beer atom? Now where did I put that chisel? (boom!)

Inara: You want fries with that?

Jayne: Excuse me, have you any Grey Poupon?

------------------------------------------
dc4bs

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Friday, February 10, 2006 1:32 PM

THESOAPBOXER

Mal: Come to think of it, you can take the sky from me.

Mal: Slither looks like it's gonna be stupid.

Wash: God, these shirts are tacky!

Inara: You're right, Mal! I am a whore!

Zoe: Ah... Ugh... There we go! I finally pulled that stick out of my ass.

Simon: I should really tweeze my eyebrows.

Kaylee: I am taking a vow of celebacy.

River: I hate my misshapen feet.

Joss: I hate Summer's feet.

Joss: Aw, why didn't I write Fastlane instead!?

Joss: You know what? My fans seem to like this character. I think I'll let him live.

_____________________________________________
Could you please just make it stranger? Just stranger. Odder. Could be weirder. More bizarre. How about uncanny? ~Joss Whedon

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Friday, February 10, 2006 7:51 PM

GUTTERBALL

Mal: The nice thing about not being puritanical about sex is not being uncomfortable when someone else has it.

Zoe: I like the one with ruffles!

Wash: Sometimes I think you don't take me seriously.

Jayne: Look, they got boy whores!

Kaylee: Find me that kid takin a dirtnap with Baby Jesus!

Book: Bible's broken. Inconsistencies. False logistics. Doesn't make sense.

Simon: Any more of that and I'll show you I got manparts!

River: Wacky fun!

Inara: Is that Jayne? Is that really him? Wash, pinch me -- I must be dreamin'!

________________________________________

Please remember that the 9:30 show is completely different from the 7:30 show. Don't forget to tip your waitress.

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Friday, February 10, 2006 8:21 PM

DINKY

Nice one:

Quote:
Originally posted by asarian:
With my mind still on the chicken thread, I guess this one, in reverse, works here too:

Ruby (Safe): [anything at all]

--
"Mei-mei, everything I have is right here." -- Simon Tam

Hahah! This thread's great.

Alliance Officer: (after viewing Book's ID Card) Kill this man immediatly!!

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Friday, February 10, 2006 9:00 PM

TENTHCREWMEMBER

Could you please just make it stranger? Stranger. Odder. Could be weirder. More bizarre. How about uncanny?

Quote:
Originally posted by Fireflythemovie:
Fox execs: "We were utter fools."

This one's your winner...well at least it would be if you ever start having a winner... ;)

Inara: I'm tired of sex, wealth, and glory...hey Mal! Let's play Russian Roulette with the Lassiter!

Jayne: 2+2=4

Book: F**K YOU, MAL!

Simon: Well, duhhh!

River: Actually, I am Simon's brother, and we are in love. It is all wrong, and we don't care if everyone knows now.
Simon: What?!!? No it isn't...well, okay, yeah, it's true.

Zoe: Take me, Jayne, take me hard.

Kaylee: Bitch came up in my house and played that shit on me? Oh it's on...it is soooo on!

Wash: Um, Hawaiian shirts are tacky, please stop buying them for me.

Mal: So, I got on my knees for this Alliance Commander and, well, long story short *snicker* he let me and the squad go. He still waves on occasion you know... *dreamy stare*

YoSaffBridge: Gertrude Labia Lipschitz...that's my real name. Happy now?

Jubel Early: Screw this Bounty Hunter gig, I'm trying out for Parliamentary Idol! *bad singing as Coolio as he exits*

Mr. Universe: Listen, Lovebot. Get it? I have a Looooveboooot...I haven't got time to mess with your security feeds and psychotic psychic. Two words-*ticks off on fingers* Love. Bot. *clicks off screen*
Mal: Huh. I reckon that means we're up go se creek without a paddle. Oh well...Kaylee, wanna have sex in the engine room instead of saving the day, seein' as we're probably Reaver bait assuming this jackoff assassin doesn't catch us first?
Kaylee: Not again... *rolls eyes, begins disrobing mindlessly as she plods down the hall*
Jayne: Yer not gonna make me watch again, are you? Sex gives me an uncomfortableness.

Tracey: You're a rabbit, Mal!
(though someone at Fox thinks he did! Watch the subtitles...)

Amnon: Jail? As someone's bitch? Um, sounds cool!

Mrs. Burgess: Baby? What baby? Rance Burgess, you get back here and tell me who the whore is!

Joss Whedon: Firefly? Never heard of it. What's a Browncoat? Sorry, not ringing any bells...perhaps if you acted out a scene?

Mal(to Wash in War Stories): Yeah, I banged your wife during the war...and twice last night!

Mal(about Patience): Oooh! I wanna tap THAT!
Zoe: Me too...

Wash: Grow up, would ya?

Jayne: Well, if you reverse the particle flux and amplify the residual static, you should get a definitive solution to your inertial response factors...well, that is unless the polarity of the axial compensators is compromised due to a hydraulic dysfunction.

Inara: Yeeee haaaaaw! Damn this mule is a mighty fine ride! I can't wait to jump another gulley!

Mal: I love you, Inara.
Inara: I love you, Mal.
Joss: And they lived happily ever after. The End.

Now that's comedy!

BWAH!
TCM

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Friday, February 10, 2006 9:00 PM

CHOLLETT

Kaylee: "Dammit, Mal!"

Inara: "Sod off!"

Simon: "I hate my sister, but i love it when she goes crazy"

Jayne: "Now, you see here, when the tangent of Pi is multiplied by x to the power of 10..."

Zoe: "How's my hair?"

River: "I feel perfectly normal"

Book: "I don't care what you believe. ...seriously, that's it. I don't care."

Wash: "I feel bad for you, Jayne. Want some tea and ice for the bruise?"

Mal: "My God! I was on the wrong side!"

I'm babbling like a moonbrain.

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Friday, February 10, 2006 10:20 PM

Let's start the day off subtle, shall we? :)

Jayne: "We applied the cortical electrodes, but were unable to get a neural response from either patient."

(no, seriously, come time to say it, Jayne actually got it wrong again, and said: "were unable to get a neural REACTION". Y'all probably knew that, but I only noticed it the third time around, and thought it was hilarious, lol).

Saffron: They played me, from minute one.

Zoe: That's quite a brain you have there, Sir.

River: Eta kuram nah smekh!

And, after that,

River: [anything at all]

Reaver: I want to resolve this like civilized men.

Me: I couldn't care less about River. :)

P.S. Sorry for the last one.

--
"Mei-mei, everything I have is right here." -- Simon Tam

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Friday, February 10, 2006 11:14 PM