Saturday, October 7, 2006

Horror/Drama I can't decide.... anyways I like it and I would enjoy some feedback.


Prologue River had the strangest sensation in her stomach, a tingling feeling. The last time she felt that feeling the operative was coming. It could only mean trouble. She had tried to tell them but they hadn't understood. The thought she was just acting up, that she was not well, but she new what was coming. The shadow of death the cold embrace of it was sucking at her feet like a strong current. One of them would die. THE DAMED MEN OF EARTH Mal and Zoe had a easy job, they were transporting dogs to a owner on ghost. The cargo was even legal, which was a nice change from their last few deliveries. The only problem was one of the dogs was sick, she was vomiting in her crate and nothing the doctor did would stop her. “ I don't understand it!” said Simon in a frustrated voice looking at the sick dog. “ Shes in prefect health, her heart is fine she doesn't have worms, SHES FINE!” the dog gave him a pathetic look. “ Oh Simon don't yell your scarring her.” Cooed Kaylee at the dog. “ts not her fault.” “ No I guess not” admitted Simon “ But Mal will have a fit if he doesn't get all his money.” At that very moment the captain walked in “ What about me?” he said looking suspiciously at the doctor “Noting captn.” said Kaylee grinning at him. “ have you figured out whats wrong with that damn dog?” Malcolm asked “ Well I'm going to check her stomach encase of a flew but otherwise..” just then the dog vomited on the table. A plastic bag was mixed in with the water. “ well, well what have we hear.” said Simon ignoring Malcolm's look of disgust. He put on some plastic gloves an picked up the bag. “ Its ripped.” said Simon as some watery white paste oozed from the bag. “ What is it?” asked the captain with interest. “ It looks like a drug baggy..” said Kaylee. The two men looked at her “ Well it does!” she said giving them a innocent look. “ I'm not sure whats more disturbing the bag of the fact that you know what a drug baggy looks like.” said The captain giving Kaylee a worried look. “ Ill check to see what it is but if it is a drug bag then well have to check the other dogs as well.” *** Zoe, Wash, Mal,Inara,Kaylee, River and Jayne were all sitting and eating in the kitchen, when Simon walked in with a strange look on his face. “ Whats wrong sweety?” asked Kaylee looking slightly worried. “ Dogs have something.” said River looking intently at Simon. “Yes, all of the dogs have little bags full of cocaine in their stomachs.” said Simon, sitting down with a groan. “ Then why didn't the other dogs get sick?” asked Wash eating from protein bar “ because that dog was the only dog how actually ingested the drugs. The others just had them in their stomachs.” sighed “ We would have people on the night shifted that would have reactions like this to drugs”. “ Why does it matter if the dogs have drugs in them? Were getting pay a hell of a lot of money, its not our concern what they have in them.” Said Jayne through a mouth full of food. “ It doesn't matter, we get payed, thats whats important hear. We do the job and don't look back.” growled Mal, daring anyone to contradict him. “ Mal people could die from this its not rite to just let it go.” said Inara looking at Mal as if he was a strange animal. “Besides captn, what if they they don't pay us, you know dead heads.” said Wash grinning slightly as Zoe fed him some food. “ We'll deal with that when the time comes.” “ They wont pay, they'll take you away and keep their money. The government of the government doesn't like to give things up” said River in a misty voice, the she gasped and fell on the floor with her hands over her ears. “ THEY KNOW THE SECRET!” she cried over and over and no one could silence her. *** They had landed on ghost over a hour ago and were preparing to go to the drop off site. Mal was still not easy with this job, their was something fishy about it that he didn't like, but he had no choice they needed the money. “ Stay safe and remember, its ok to say no if a pusher comes.” Said Wash kissing Zoe. “ Will be fine hon look after the ship.” she said smiling at him. “ You never know, maybe Ill take the ship and become a pirate. Arr I be Wash the meanest pirate of the verse, tremble in fear and my evil lair.” Zoe laughed and waved at Wash as they left. “Its all coming down.” whispered River. *** They arrived at the drop point, a clearing in the middle of a deep wooded area. “ok this is how its gonna work.” said Mal looking around him. “Jayne go for a little hick around and see what you can see. You never know what you might find.” Jayne nodded and ran off. Do you think they'll show sir?” said Zoe. Just then five men dressed all in dark camouflage came out of the forest. “ do you have the cargo?” said the largest man who was obviously the leader. “We have it but lest see the money first.” the man grinned and said “Someone needs to be a little more trusting.” He nodded to the man next to him and the man produced a leather sac from his jack and threw it to Mal how cot it. Mall look inside and counted the money. “ You cargo is just over the next hill to the south. So tell me, hows the cocaine business?” The man stood perfectly still for a minute and then smiled a smile so evil that it made Zoe shudder. “ Oh captain Reynolds, you just signed your death papers. I would have probably let you go if you hadn't found the drugs. O well, its to late for that” Mal got a sinking feeling in his stomach, the kind you get when there are laser sights pointed and you head. He and Zoe drew their guns but the men just laughed a laugh completely devoid of mirth. The Lead shook his head. “ We won't kill you, but the people who will, will be less merciful then we could ever be. Do you know who we are?” Malcolm swallowed the retort that was rising in his throat. “ I can't say that I do.” he replied “ We are the rulers of the government, the voice in the leaders ears, some call use the damed men of earth, we were the once who tolled the government to use the PAX in the air of Miranda. Why is the obvious question but the answer is much less obvious. You see, for many years we have been experimenting on minds testing chemicals and how to control the effects, to bend the minds created to our will, Our best and worst finding was the PAX. We are the once who control the doings of the reavers, and make no mistake they are coming to kill you. Listen you can hear them coming, merciless things of hate and pain. I'm sorry to say that we must leave before they come. Good day.” and with that the men vanished. Malcolm and Zoe were stunned for a minute but then they heard a scream that chilled their souls, it was Jayne's death scream, they were coming, Mal could see them and they started to fire but their were to many of them they got to Zoe and she couldn't hold them of any longer and she fell. The captain was about to join her when serenity came over the clearing, the crew opened fire on the reavers. After a while the once that remained ran of into the woods. Serenity landed, and Wash and Simon ran out. “ Mal!” Cried Wash “ Where's Zoe?” and then he stopped, were Zoe had been all that was left was a corps. Epilogue However Zoe was not dead, but she was very badly off. It took over a week for her to wake up and another week for her to leave the med room. They never found Jayne and they suspected that the Reavers had him. “ River was rite.” thought Malcolm “ They don't like to give things up.” END?


Saturday, October 7, 2006 11:52 AM


You could do either with a beta or a good spell check. I like your story idea and obviously the dog that got sick did so because the bag in its' stomach split. It sounds as if the people hiring Mal and the crew to deliver the dogs is the government, so is that the Alliance or the Blue Sun Corporation? Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me

Saturday, October 7, 2006 2:16 PM


I do use spell check like ive said, but i dont ger grammar. I never actually thought of using the blue sun room but thats a good idea.

Monday, October 9, 2006 12:17 PM


Ah...but the thing will spellcheckers? They only get upset over mispelled words, not homonyms and other valid words used the wrong way;)

There's a great storyline here...but the lack of polish really makes the whole thing a lot more painful to read. Besides the obvious issues with the physical setup, there are a couple of plot points that make me confused...including why the secret cabal that runs the Alliance would deal in simple coccaine? If they developed the Pax...why go for a simple drug like crack?


Monday, July 16, 2007 7:05 PM


wow ALL bloody three FANO1 obvoiusly no lief what so ever its a shame your such a dolt

any way seal nice job i dont like as much as the others and id say drama not horror for this one and judgeing by thins one and the others you seem to like short storys but you seem to haveproblems ending them which is hard granted but you need to get beter ending the other where reslly good given the length this one not so much also they never found jaynes body wouldnt he be lik not faraway an all even then i gun shot dosent make ya scream unless its not in your head lungs throat or heart then you scream >.> but assumeing its alliance they probly wanted him to feel it so i guess it works then dont it anyway keep it up but less jayne killin eh? how about kill inara or simon id love to see that to see how the crew would react or maybe even zoe but inara more likely anyway im off


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I thought Id give horror and Jayne a break, so know its attion and Mal, my spelling is bad I know but just ignore it and enjoy the story itself. I guess it could be a gladiator parody but I was never into rustle crow even though hes a good actor. Also the Tragnot sounds like Alador in "dinosaur". Enjoy.

I like to make Jayne suffer. Its not that I don't Im disturbed, its just that Adam Baldwin is a really good actor ( Its not that I want him dead, its just I dont want him alive, anymore.) I think the name is self explanitory. No real end so Ill let you think about it

Inaras favorite client
Its my first romance so be easy, Dont ask me how I thought of it will all be much happier. feedback as always, and yes I know that my spelling sucks.

Horror/Drama I can't decide.... anyways I like it and I would enjoy some feedback.

death in serenity
This is my first story that took place in serenity. I hope you enjoy it and I would love some feed back as always. Also remeber that my spelling isn't the best.

I remembered
Its the next memory of the tortured soul in Decent into hell, he finds his past and starts his future.
give me some feedback

desent into hell
I was reading some Poe and this idea came into my head so I wrote it down. It be great to get some feedback if possible.