stop fighting no  go  can’t get out of my head. I’m trapped, trapped here, three dimensional physical representation of the whole, affected by four no no too ineffective could be better. should be better. shouldn’t be stuck, nothing holding me in, but the more I try the harder it gets. can’t tell Simon, he’ll think I’ve slipped, gone off the deep end. theoretically possible. astral projection, shaman, shamaning? can’t remember doesn’t matter. should be able too, meditation, belief, it's all in the belief, belief in self is belief in others, not a Hindu, empirical data supporting the claim of rebirth is weak at best, but I believe in the possibility of the evidence presented being real. should be enough.

Captain wants me to stop muttering again.

_______________________________

Moonside. can’t hear the stars the clouds too thick so quiet can’t see myself think. River’s like a pond, pond becomes mirror disappears in the blackness. It’s quiet outside of me tonight inside still a buzz more softly now. doesn’t echo as much as in space in space nowhere for their heads to go but in. dirt’s much better, softens voices, dull roar. easier to be River.

___________________________

Malcolm Reynolds Dream. sea greens sea blues dog tags, cat naps. friendly Shadows family farm soft voices soft hair quiet days no war. it’s like I’m almost there.

the Cap’n don’t sleep less we’re neath  the sky again. -River

_________________________ paradox wings of death shadowy eyes /follows same path don’t fall again/ rivers of brown coats of blood haunting /fighting differently still fighting same war/ don’t wanna be trusted but won’t ever betray. paradox.

Zoe’s turn to do the dishes tonight. __________________________

Surprise.

pizza tonight ( H2O,  Saccharomyces cerevisae, powdered wheat, oil of  Olea europaea, Sodium Chloride, Sucrose, Lycopersicon esculentum, Heiphinic wotis, stir, mix, spread, bake, cut, serve ) Kaylee's special surprise, comes with announcement, ( secret, special, nervous, happy, sneaky with Simon) hiding it all day, secrets making my head hurt, happy when it stops, unless there's yelling.  I hate yelling. means Family's not right, everybody angry, no place for River to be. but no yelling tonight, just soft soft, happys, warm fuzzy clouds, peaceful night, everything's A ok Cap'n, no need to fret.

she said yes.

________________________________

The Announcement.

Simon standing nervous shaking don't know what to say. Kaylee beaming promised won't tell I know anyway. words, shock, thrill, happiness, a little confusion from Jayne. going on 3 years, 4 months, 2 days, thought he didn't know. They're wrong. Cap'n knows, always knows, just don't interfere. behave like a bear to hide the cub, teddy bear with Inara, can't resist happy Kaylee.

I get to have a Jie Jie now. -River.

-You can read River's new entries everyday  at riversdiary.tumblr.com or find us on FaceBook under Rivers Diary-

many a warm and fuzzy thanks to Greenka61 for being my helpful and prompt Beta :) I hope we can work together again! - Ji