Disclaimer: Joss, Fox, Universal Own em’. (Except for Allan. He's mine) I’m just playing. No money being made.

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This story takes place four years after Serenity (BDM) and has the established couples of Simon/Kaylee, Mal/Inara, Zoë/Allan and Jayne/River. Follows seven months after Birthday.

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A/N: this story line will explore Allan's life back on Earth when he was a young man. It will consist of a number of long flashback sequences. I've never written anything like this so cross your fingers.

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Thanks again Chris for the Beta.

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Recollections

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Chapter Two

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Allan couldn't sleep. Zoë lay against him. Grunting in her sleep occasionally when the baby kicked.

Rolling onto his side, Allan pulled his wife closer to him. Feeling the warm swell of her womb against him. Another kick and another grunt. He even felt it himself this time.

Reaching out, Allan brushed the hair away from Zoë's sleeping face. He loved to watch her sleep. The stoic first mate was replaced by the woman. The woman that Allan loved.

Zoë rolled over. She was an active sleeper and flopped around during the night. The baby made it worse. With a sigh, Allan rolled onto his back and put his hands behind his head.

The memories that the video clip he had played earlier brought up wouldn't go away. Normally, he could go to sleep almost at will. Tonight, sleep eluded him. As he forced his eyes closed, images came unbidden from his subconscious...

XXXXXXXXXX

He could smell bacon cooking. Allan smiled for a moment as he sat up until he realized he was on the sofa in the living room and the reason why he was sleeping there instead of in his own bed...

Sara.

“Was it a dream?” he said almost silently. Praying that it was.

“Allan? Are you up?”

He didn't answer for a moment. The events of the previous night running through his head. The problem with being an engineer was that he knew every force that had acted on Sara's small car last night. Mass x Velocity = Energy.

He'd overheard the trooper. Sara was going forty five miles per hour according to the data recorder in her small electric car. It weighed less than a thousand pounds and was mostly plastic and aluminum.

The drunk that hit her was going over seventy and his truck weighed around thirty five hundred pounds. It was made mostly of steel.

Mass x Velocity = Energy.

Sara was gone.

Standing slowly, Allan realized that he was still wearing his rescue squad uniform. The normally crisp white shirt, rumpled from laying on the couch. His navy cargo pants covered in mud from where he had dropped to his knees in the middle of the road. Likewise, his boots were covered in mud.

“Allan?” His Grandmother called again.

“I'm up Gram.”

Evelin Bryant entered the living room from the kitchen. Her breath nearly caught in her throat. Her twenty year old grandson looked decades older to her at that moment.

“I'm going to go change...” Allan muttered.

“Breakfast will be ready in a minute.”

“Not hungry.”

Evelin didn't argue. She knew Allan needed to work this out for himself. With a sigh, she watched her grandson plod up the stairs to his room, Almost like he was a robot.

She felt a familiar pair of hands on her shoulders, “He needs time Evie...”

“I know Bernie. It just breaks my heart to see him like this.”

“He'll bounce back. It'll take time, no doubt. But he'll get through this.”

Evelin nodded and turned back to the kitchen. She had to finish cooking.

Half an hour later, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, Allan came down the stairs and went outside. He was surprised to see his pickup truck sitting in it's usual parking spot. Last he had known it was still in the parking lot at the rescue squad.

“Pete and Bob dropped it off this morning,” said a voice behind the young man.

“Oh.”

“Allan?”

“Got some things I need to do Gramps... I'll be back later.”

“Just... be careful Allan.”

“I just need to think on things.”

“Be home for supper.”

Allan nodded and slowly walked across the yard to his truck. Pulling the door open, he slid behind the wheel. Starting the engine, Allan pulled out of the driveway, purposely turning in the opposite direction of where Sara's crash had occurred.

After an hour of aimless driving around. Allan found himself sitting at the end of the public dock, throwing pebbles in the water and staring out across the lake.

“Thought I'd find you here.”

“Go away Pete.”

“Not happenin.”

“Fine,” Allan snarled.

“Hey, she was my friend too you know.”

“I... god I miss her already.”

“Me too pal,” Pete said as he sat next to his friend.

“We were supposed to go to Burlington tonight. Concert at the Flynn... got a room on the lake front. Just the two of us,” Allan sniffed back a tear, “Had this weekend planned for months.”

“Her folks know... I mean about the room?”

Allan snorted, “Of course. Her folks are hippies. Told her if I didn't sleep with her soon they were gonna lock us up in a room somewhere until we did.”

Pete chuckled, “Sounds like them. You, ah, talked to them yet?”

“No. Maybe later. I... I gotta do some things first.”

“You got it Allan. You need anything... And I mean anything, you call. Okay?”

“Thanks Pete,”

“No problem buddy.”

XXXXXXXXXX

Allan drove down airport road. Instead of pulling into his own driveway, he continued further on, cresting a slight rise. At the side of the road stood Sara's parents. Her father, Steven was pounding a white painted cross into the ground at the side of the road. The site where Sara had been killed was less than one hundred yards from her own home.

Jasmine Leary stood watching her husband, weeping.

The couple turned when they heard Allan's truck. Taking a deep breath, Allan stepped from the vehicle.

Broken glass was still evident on the road. Allan started to walk towards them, looking at his feet.

Suddenly, Allan found himself being hugged by Sara's mother, “Oh Allan...”

“I'm sorry, Mrs. Leary... I'm sorry.”

Sniffling, Jasmine pulled back and looked Allan in the eye, “Sorry for what? You couldn't have done anything for her. Doc said she... she died on impact. You keep the fool notion in your head that you could have done something... It's gonna eat you up inside boy.”

“Still...”

“Still nothing, Allan,” Steven spoke up, “You know Sara. She wouldn't want you blaming yourself.”

Allan could only nod.

“We've got to get back,” Jasmine said quietly, “Got family coming in a few hours.”

“I understand,” Allan replied, his eyes wet.

“That includes you. If you'd ever gotten off your ass to ask her... I'd have been proud to have called you... my son-in-law.”

Jasmine lost it then. Steven pulled her into a hug, his own tears showing, “Come by the house about six. You're always welcome in our home, Allan.”

“I... I'll be there.”

XXXXXXXXXX

The next few days went by in a blur. A day later than promised, Allan had shown up at Toni's Pizza shop, toolbox in hand to fix her deep fryer. Toni initially tried to tell Allan to go home but after telling her that he needed something to do with his hands, Toni relented and let Allan in.

Twenty minutes later, he had diagnosed the problem, repaired it and in the process, increased the unit's efficiency about twenty percent.

Four days later, he stood next to his grandparents at Sara's funeral. Allan stood stoic in his suit. As they lowered the love of his life into the ground, a single tear ran down his cheek.

In his mind he cursed the new government. The man who had killed Sara had multiple convictions for drunk driving and was still walking the streets. Simultaneously, Allan remembered the man beaten nearly to death that he had treated the night Sara was killed, just because his paperwork wasn't in order when he crossed the border from Canada.

Not to mention what the government did to his own parents.

Everyone had left the funeral but Allan, and standing a few yards away, his Grandfather.

“I'll make it better, Sara,” Allan whispered, “If I can't fix it, I'll go somewhere else... and start fresh.”

“You ready to go, Allan?”

“Yeah Gramp... I guess I am.”

“Let's go.”

The rest of the summer flew by. Allan barricaded himself in his room or his shop in the barn. Coming out only for meals. Evelin worried, but Bernie assured her that Allan would be okay.

In the fall, he started grad school. Allan poured himself into his school work. Taking on extra classes besides his mechanical engineering and physics majors. Aeronautical engineering, chemistry, astronomy, electronics, even business classes. During school breaks, he was at other schools, getting his commercial pilot's license as well as his aircraft mechanics certification.

His Grandmother worried about him. Allan became distant. Like he didn't want anyone to get too close.

Three years later, Allan was home on Christmas break. As usual he was in the barn, working on his 'project'. Allan's grandfather had sold the dairy herd a year before after he had a minor stroke and couldn't work the farm anymore. Allan's royalty checks from his fusion enhancement patent paid for school and kept his family going.

It also paid for his project.

“Allan, you in here?”

“Over here Pete,” He replied from where he lay under his project, tightening a fitting.

“What the hell are you working on?”

“It's an engine.”

“Doesn't look like any engine I've ever seen.”

“That's because it's a new design.”

“What's it supposed to power?”

“Spacecraft.”

“What?”

“A spacecraft.”

“Right...”

“I'm serious,” Allan said as he pulled himself out from underneath the large collection of what looked like random pieces and parts.

“Does it work?”

“I don't know yet. The government doesn't usually let twenty three year olds have access to nuclear reactors.”

Pete's jaw dropped.

“I know. It's way beyond the comprehension of a mere nurse...”

“Hey, don't go knocking my hard won degree.”

Allan chuckled. That was the sound Pete had been wanting to hear.

“Did you come over here for a reason?” Allan asked his friend.

“I am here on a top secret mission,” Pete grinned.

“And what is that?”

“My mission is to take you out, willing or not, to have some fun.”

“I'm busy.”

“Your tinkering.”

“I don't want to.”

“Tough. I've got orders.”

Allan rolled his eyes, “From who?”

“Me, boy,” Bernie Bryant said from the doorway.

“Gramps...”

“Go, and that's an order,” Allan's grandfather said. He said it in his Marine voice. The voice that expected immediate compliance.

“But..”

“No buts.”

“Fine,” Allan grumped, “What are we going to do?”

Pete smiled, “When was the last time you went snowboarding?”

Allan stared at his friend. Pete knew damn well the last time he went boarding. It was the winter before Sara died.

“I don't have a board anymore.”

“Got one in the car for you. Consider it a Christmas present,” Pete said quickly.

“Before you open your mouth, your grandmother already packed you a bag,” Bernie said firmly. I don't want to see you back here until Sunday night.”

“Okay. I suppose a little boarding won't hurt me,” Allan grumped.

“Let's go. It's an hour and a half drive to Stowe.”

“Stowe? Why there? Jay peak is fifteen minutes from here.”

“That's the point. I drag your ass to Stowe, you're less likely to call a cab and come home. I got us rooms for the weekend and everything.”

Allan sighed in defeat, “Let's go.”

XXXXXXXXXX

Allan had to admit. He was having a little fun. It took a few runs to get his rhythm back but soon he was smoking Pete down the mountain.

After an afternoon, boarding, the two young men made their way back to the room, Pete had rented so they could change.

Pete had insisted on dragging Allan out to a bar.

As they got ready, Allan was complaining,” Why are we going out? I'm beat.”

“Three reasons,” Pete replied, “Beer, rock and babes.”

“First two are okay...”

Pete whirled to face Allan, “Now listen to me you son of a bitch. It's been nearly four years. You haven't even looked at a girl in that time. You're miserable and you know it.”

“Damn it Pete...”

“Look,” He said cutting Allan off, “I'm not asking you to find someone to replace Sara. All I'm asking is for you to live a little. Drink a few beers, find a girl to dance with... Have fun. That's all I'm asking.”

Allan took a deep breath to calm down. Pete was like a brother to him. And he had to admit. He hadn't been much company for quite some time.

“Where are we going anyway?”

“The Nail.”

“Okay.”

XXXXXXXXXX

The Rusty Nail was a Vermont institution. Over one hundred years old, the bar was the place to be in Stowe on a Saturday night.

Allan and Pete arrived early in order to score a booth. The band started at eight thirty and Allan admitted they were pretty good.

A couple of beers later, Allan was relaxed and enjoying the music. Pete had left to go get more beer.

As he returned to the table, he was followed by two girls. They sat down at the table with the two men.

Allan looked at Pete who waggled his eyebrows. Allan just rolled hi eyes.

“Ladies, this is Allan. Allan this is Candi and Staci.”

“Hello,” Allan said politely while staring daggers at Pete.

Candi, the girl sitting next to Allan smiled and spoke, “Pete here tells me you go to MIT.”

Allan nodded, “I'm in grad school.”

“What are you taking?”

“Engineering and physics.”

“You sure don't look like a nerd.”

Allan snorted, “I'll take that as a complement.”

“Want to dance?”

“Uhhh...”

Before he could say no, Candi dragged Allan onto the dance floor.

Allan didn't know if it was the beer, the fact that he hadn't even looked at a woman in nearly four years let alone dance with one or the fact that despite her name and bleach blond hair, Candi wasn't dumb. In fact she was a senior at Worcester Poly-tech majoring in bio-chemistry.

Allan found himself having fun. He and Candi spent the entire evening dancing and after, she dragged Allan back to her room.

They both knew it was a one night stand. But afterwards. Allan finally realized that for the first time in almost four years. He felt like his old self again.

XXXXXXXXXX

Allan smiled to himself. He hadn't thought about that night in a long time. As he rolled over and spooned up behind Zoë. He chuckled to himself. Remembering the day back on Earth when he walked into the Blue Sun bio-chemistry lab and collided with Dr. Candi Woodworth. A new hire at the company, working on the animal cloning systems for the Exodus ships.

They had a good laugh about that night in Vermont all those years ago. Allan thanked her for her kindness back then, when he was going through a bad stretch in his life.

A week later He promoted Candi to the directorship of her department.

Finally, Allan was able to fall asleep. Silently thanking Candi for her small role in fixing his heart. Allowing him to love Zoë and the child they had created.

The End